My favourite Jokes
The new zookeeper
A man got a job as a zookeeper, on
his first day at the zoo he was walking past the aviary when he
saw a beautiful finch. He reached into the cage and caught the
bird to give it a stroke. Unfortunately he squeezed too hard and
killed the bird. In a panic he threw the dead bird into the lions
cage to get rid of the evidence. As he was walking away he
accidentally knocked over the Bee hive exhibit. The hive crashed
to the ground and the bees began to swarm out. In a panic he
stomped all over the hive and killed the bees then threw the lot
over the wall into the lions cage. As he walked past the Monkey
cage he turned to see all the monkeys taking the Mickey out of
him. He flew into a rage and entered the monkey cage and punched
the first monkey he saw, killing him outright. In a panic now he
also threw the monkey's body over into the lions cage.
The next day the zoo introduced a new lion to the
lion enclosure. The lion walked up to the leader of the pack an
old and wise lion and said "Hi mate, I'm new, just got here
from Africa, what's this place like then?"
"It's all right here mate" said the old lion.
"What's the food like then?" said the newcomer.
"Not too bad" said the old lion "Last
night I had finch, chimps and mushy
The well read dog
A woman went to the cinema with her
dog and on the way out she was stopped by a man. He said to her
" I'm sorry to bother you but I noticed that your dog watched
the film all the way through, crying at the right times, hiding
during the scary bits and laughing during the funny bits. Don't
you find that a bit odd?"
"Well yes" said the woman "That is
odd. He hated the book."
Roof top romance
Two television aerials met up and
fell in love, they decided to get married. Apparently the ceremony
was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant!!!
The three piece suite
A young boy went out one day and
returns home later with a settee strapped to his back and carrying
an armchair under each arm. His father went absolutely mad and
turned to the boy and said "What have I told you about
excepting suites from strangers!!!"
Did you hear about the man who
drowned in a bowl of Muesli? Apparently he was pulled under by a
A man was walking along the road when
he tripped over and broke his arm. He dashed to the local hospital
and entered the main doors where he saw a nurse pulling bunches of
flowers from a second world war German helmet. "Hello is this
the emergency room?" he asked, "no" came the reply
"this is geriatrics!"
There was once a very rich man who
decided that he had everything he wanted in life except a
companion equal to himself. The rich man went to a bunch of
scientists and paid them to make an exact clone of himself. The
scientists went to work and a few days later came back with a
clone of the rich man. The clone was a perfect copy in every way
except for one fault, he couldn't stop swearing. After a while the
rich man could take the swearing no longer and took the clone to
the top of the highest building in town. He looked around to make
sure the coast was clear before pushing the clone over the edge.
Just as he did a policeman stepped out from the shadows and
arrested the rich man. " What are you arresting me for"
said the rich man, "for making abusive clone falls" said
Last week I went to a night club in
Basingstoke, but when I got to the door the bouncer said "I'm
sorry but you can't come in because you haven't got a tie
on". I went back to my car and searched for a tie but
couldn't find one anywhere. Just then I spotted a pair of jump
leads in the boot of the car so I wrapped them around my neck. I
walked back up to the bouncer, who looked me up and down and said
"alright you can come in, but don't start anything"
Dracula was walking along the road one
night when he heard a noise from up above. He looked up to see
sausage rolls, vola-vents, cucumber sandwiches, chicken wings and
all sorts of party food tumbling towards him. The food hit Dracula
and knocked him to the ground. As he lie there dying he said
"Oh no its Buffet the vampire slayer".
A salesman went to visit one of his
clients and as he walked through the door he saw a dog cleaning up
the office. As he watched, the dog vacuumed the room and empted
the rubbish bins. The dog looked up and saw the man watching him
and said to him "Don't mind me, this is all part of my
job". The man looked at the dog in amazement and said
"Wow a talking dog, does your boss know about
"Please don't tell him" begged the dog
"If he finds out about this he'll have me answering the
phones as well!"
A man was driving along in his car
when he reached a part of the road that had been flooded with
water. The man hesitated whether to go through the water or not as
he couldn't tell how deep the water was. Just then he saw an old
countryman standing by the side of the road. "Excuse me
sir" said the man "Do you know how deep the water
"Oh not very deep" said the countryman
"You'll be alright to drive through it." The man set off
through the water, but his car was engulfed with water and
completely filled with water. The man scrambled out and back to
the edge of the water. He turned to the countryman and said
"You idiot! I thought you said that water wasn't deep."
"Yes its funny that" said the countryman
"It only reaches halfway up on those ducks over
The Pedigree Labrador
A man wanted to buy a dog so he
looked in the local paper. He saw an advert which read
"Pedigree Labrador for sale only £100". He rang up the
telephone number in the advert and arranged a meeting. When he
arrived at the owners house, the owner showed the man into the
lounge where the Labrador was lying in front of the fire.
"Well what kind of pedigree does the dog have then?"
asked the man. "Why not ask him yourself" said the
The man looked bemused but eventually turned to the
dog and said "Well what sort of pedigree do you
"Well my mother was a winner at Crufts and my
father was runner up" said the dog. "I was trained as a
guide dog and after that I was trained to sniff out bombs for the
bomb disposal squad"
The man was amazed and turned to the owner and said
"That's fantastic, but why do you want to sell a talking
"Because" said the owner "He's such a
Q. How do you kill a circus? A. Go
for the juggler!!
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