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My favourite Jokes

The new zookeeper

   A man got a job as a zookeeper, on his first day at the zoo he was walking past the aviary when he saw a beautiful finch. He reached into the cage and caught the bird to give it a stroke. Unfortunately he squeezed too hard and killed the bird. In a panic he threw the dead bird into the lions cage to get rid of the evidence. As he was walking away he accidentally knocked over the Bee hive exhibit. The hive crashed to the ground and the bees began to swarm out. In a panic he stomped all over the hive and killed the bees then threw the lot over the wall into the lions cage. As he walked past the Monkey cage he turned to see all the monkeys taking the Mickey out of him. He flew into a rage and entered the monkey cage and punched the first monkey he saw, killing him outright. In a panic now he also threw the monkey's body over into the lions cage.
   The next day the zoo introduced a new lion to the lion enclosure. The lion walked up to the leader of the pack an old and wise lion and said "Hi mate, I'm new, just got here from Africa, what's this place like then?"
  "It's all right here mate" said the old lion. "What's the food like then?" said the newcomer.
   "Not too bad" said the old lion "Last night I had finch, chimps and mushy bees!"   

The well read dog

   A woman went to the cinema with her dog and on the way out she was stopped by a man. He said to her " I'm sorry to bother you but I noticed that your dog watched the film all the way through, crying at the right times, hiding during the scary bits and laughing during the funny bits. Don't you find that a bit odd?"
   "Well yes" said the woman "That is odd. He hated the book." 

Roof top romance

   Two television aerials met up and fell in love, they decided to get married. Apparently the ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant!!!

The three piece suite

   A young boy went out one day and returns home later with a settee strapped to his back and carrying an armchair under each arm. His father went absolutely mad and turned to the boy and said "What have I told you about excepting suites from strangers!!!" 

Muesli

   Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of Muesli? Apparently he was pulled under by a strong currant!!!

The Hospital

   A man was walking along the road when he tripped over and broke his arm. He dashed to the local hospital and entered the main doors where he saw a nurse pulling bunches of flowers from a second world war German helmet. "Hello is this the emergency room?" he asked, "no" came the reply "this is geriatrics!"  

The Clone

   There was once a very rich man who decided that he had everything he wanted in life except a companion equal to himself. The rich man went to a bunch of scientists and paid them to make an exact clone of himself. The scientists went to work and a few days later came back with a clone of the rich man. The clone was a perfect copy in every way except for one fault, he couldn't stop swearing. After a while the rich man could take the swearing no longer and took the clone to the top of the highest building in town. He looked around to make sure the coast was clear before pushing the clone over the edge. Just as he did a policeman stepped out from the shadows and arrested the rich man. " What are you arresting me for" said the rich man, "for making abusive clone falls" said the policeman.

The Bouncer

   Last week I went to a night club in Basingstoke, but when I got to the door the bouncer said "I'm sorry but you can't come in because you haven't got a tie on". I went back to my car and searched for a tie but couldn't find one anywhere. Just then I spotted a pair of jump leads in the boot of the car so I wrapped them around my neck. I walked back up to the bouncer, who looked me up and down and said "alright you can come in, but don't start anything"

The Vampire

   Dracula was walking along the road one night when he heard a noise from up above. He looked up to see sausage rolls, vola-vents, cucumber sandwiches, chicken wings and all sorts of party food tumbling towards him. The food hit Dracula and knocked him to the ground. As he lie there dying he said "Oh no its Buffet the vampire slayer".

Super dog

   A salesman went to visit one of his clients and as he walked through the door he saw a dog cleaning up the office. As he watched, the dog vacuumed the room and empted the rubbish bins. The dog looked up and saw the man watching him and said to him "Don't mind me, this is all part of my job". The man looked at the dog in amazement and said "Wow a talking dog, does your boss know about this?" 
   "Please don't tell him" begged the dog "If he finds out about this he'll have me answering the phones as well!"

The Ducks

   A man was driving along in his car when he reached a part of the road that had been flooded with water. The man hesitated whether to go through the water or not as he couldn't tell how deep the water was. Just then he saw an old countryman standing by the side of the road. "Excuse me sir" said the man "Do you know how deep the water is?"
   "Oh not very deep" said the countryman "You'll be alright to drive through it." The man set off through the water, but his car was engulfed with water and completely filled with water. The man scrambled out and back to the edge of the water. He turned to the countryman and said "You idiot! I thought you said that water wasn't deep."
   "Yes its funny that" said the countryman "It only reaches halfway up on those ducks over there!"     

The Pedigree Labrador

   A man wanted to buy a dog so he looked in the local paper. He saw an advert which read "Pedigree Labrador for sale only 100". He rang up the telephone number in the advert and arranged a meeting. When he arrived at the owners house, the owner showed the man into the lounge where the Labrador was lying in front of the fire. "Well what kind of pedigree does the dog have then?" asked the man. "Why not ask him yourself" said the owner.
   The man looked bemused but eventually turned to the dog and said "Well what sort of pedigree do you have?" 
   "Well my mother was a winner at Crufts and my father was runner up" said the dog. "I was trained as a guide dog and after that I was trained to sniff out bombs for the bomb disposal squad"
   The man was amazed and turned to the owner and said "That's fantastic, but why do you want to sell a talking dog?"
   "Because" said the owner "He's such a liar!"

The circus

   Q. How do you kill a circus? A. Go for the juggler!!

 

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